done.

Yeah, so I'm addicted to posting my thoughts. Big deal, it'll just join the other addiction I have.

I've realized something. I'm a very jealous person.
I really shouldn't be. I mean, in my head I think of myself as better than most. Yet the things people have...the opportunities they have specifically...I wish I had them. Hell, I really wish I was in certain guys positions.

Wishing though doesn't do anything does it? I spent the past year of my life wishing for things that didn't happen. Of course they weren't going to happen. I didn't try hard enough, I didn't put enough effort into anything. I just expected everything to just make itself better and fall into my lap. Fuck that.

Things may fall into other peoples laps all the time, but not mine, I'm not lucky enough for that to happen. I used up all of my luck when I was little. I've gotten lucky with something only one time since I was little, and I managed to fuck that up badly.

So fuck relying on luck, fuck hoping situations will wind up working my way.
I'm going to try my hardest. I will do everything within my power to get accepted to a school I can go to. I'm going to get a degree in something that interests me. And if I can't do that, well then I'm still going to make myself into a damn intelligent person. I'm going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can physically too. I will be the best. I'm not going to sit back and hope things come to me, I'm going to take action. I'm going to be the greatest guy that ever lived and I'm going to do it without being a complete a-hole to people. I'm going to work hard, try and in the end I'm going to get the things I want in my life and the girl.

I don't know how much of this I'm saying because of the medication, but right now I feel determined to succeed and get what I want, and I hope it sticks this time.