Discontinued until I actually have something interesting, relevant and intelligent to say.

So apparently I've been listening to Dan too much because his British-ness is starting to rub off on me.  I keep finding myself saying or thinking these words that no sane American person says...it's just weird.

Anyway, speaking of thinking things, I keep having these thoughts. Not bad thoughts, just thoughts. Things I would have said and done before, but won't let myself do. I find myself really wanting attention and not letting myself try and get it. It's frusterating.

Thanksgiving....

...Should have been spent with someone I care about. It also should have involved me eating a lot.


I hate jealousy and I hate the flu.

Apparently, everythings fine with me having been absent for five weeks. I explained I haven't been feeling well and he was okay with me having missed class. I just have to make up the bit of work I missed now though. Fun. Between that and the essay for UW and the paper I've got, I've got a lot of writing to do. Going to be a rough weekend.

fuck.

One of the schools I applied to decided to wait until today to email me telling me they didn't have all my information. And that I should check the website for what was missing using the PIN number they mailed to me. Only, I NEVER GOT A PIN NUMBER in the damn mail.

And they say if they don't get it all by Nov 26th, they won't consider my application anymore. Well,NEWSFLASH, it's a fucking holiday weekend. Even if I knew what was missing, I can't do anything about it at this point 'cause no ones in offices or anything.

It's things like this that seriously just piss me the fuck off.

And now I need to go to Marketing class which I haven't been to in 5 weeks(!!!). I'm going to be so far behind in that class, there's only three more classes left in the semester. I pray the teacher cuts me some slack or otherwise I'm screwed.

facebook...

Ugh, I wound up unblocking and going to Facebook...
I had to, I needed the picture for my profile here, and I don't have it saved on this computer and that was the only place it was uploaded to...

It's an addicting site, no doubt. But truthfully that's not the main reason I'm so adverse to it. I can't stand seeing information about certain people. It eats at me to see those things without hearing them first hand. Hell, to be bloody honest I didn't even look at anything on it today, but the thought of seeing something, finding out something I don't know...I don't want to deal with that kind of pain.
I just don't like the site. Bad thoughts. Bad experiences. Things I found out through it I shouldn't have. Things other people have found out and told me that they shouldn't have.

I hope I never visit it again.

So that's a little weird...I just woke up from a dream where I was Bart Simpson...kinda freaky...

Anyway...
Earlier, one of my friends Rob made me feel really guilty about having lied to people about my head getting better. I don't know. I shouldn't feel guilty over it, I know I shouldn't, it's my life, my choice....but yet, he managed to make me feel guilty over it. Maybe I will go to the doctor to get it checked out, I don't know. I'll have to tell my parents it came back or something.
-sigh- Frustrating.

On a separate note. Maybe Shell's right, maybe I am lonely. I don't know. The few good friends I have just aren't enough. Maybe I should try dating again. It didn't work the last times, but who knows. I just still don't feel right about it though, like it's not what I want to be doing at all. I don't know...maybe I should just be more content to be alone.

Seems like I say I don't know a lot.

Further school thoughts

 I can't believe I slept so much today. It was such a waste of a day. Whenever I take anything it always knocks me out so much, it's crazy.


So anyway, I decided I'm definitely applying to UW. There are actually a lot more reasons for it than you'd think. I know why people are going to think I'm applying there, and they can think that if they want. Maybe that's a subconscious reason, who knows.

Ever since I was little though, I've always been attracted to the west coast. Originally it was Cali that I really wanted to go to, particularly LA. Well, it's too late for a UCLA app, and even then I doubt I'd get in there.

Even if I could app still to UCLA, I'd still want to app to UW. I really like Seattle the times I've went there. It just gives you a certain feeling that's hard to describe. It's similar to the feeling you get when in Manhattan, but it's different too. It's more calm and serene kinda. Maybe because of the nearby mountains. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but I do really like it there.

The schools pretty good too, about as good as I can possibly get into at least. I also know someone there which is another plus I suppose. They also have a bunch of different programs, so I'm not pigeon-holed into anything, which is nice because, let's be honest, I still don't know what I want to be going for.

Let's see, there's Journalism, Psychology, all of the Business Administration options and yes, people will be surprised by this, but I'm also toying with the idea of one of the medical majors, particularly nursing and laboratory medicine. How I'm going to make a decision on what I fill in on the app as my choice of major, I have no idea. At least at UW though it seems like double majoring is easier than it woulda been at most schools *cough* stupid Adrian *cough*.


So with UW added, that brings my list of schools I can possibly get into up to, what? 3? Yeah, I think it's 3. UW, Northeastern, Princeton.
And with Penn state, that's brought my list of schools I got denied into up to 2.
And then the two schools I've been accepted to, one of which I don't want to go to at all, Adrian, and the other of which I probably shouldn't go to, LC.

So what is that? 7 schools total? Damn...no one else seems to have to look to this many schools. It's kinda pathetic.

done.

Yeah, so I'm addicted to posting my thoughts. Big deal, it'll just join the other addiction I have.

I've realized something. I'm a very jealous person.
I really shouldn't be. I mean, in my head I think of myself as better than most. Yet the things people have...the opportunities they have specifically...I wish I had them. Hell, I really wish I was in certain guys positions.

Wishing though doesn't do anything does it? I spent the past year of my life wishing for things that didn't happen. Of course they weren't going to happen. I didn't try hard enough, I didn't put enough effort into anything. I just expected everything to just make itself better and fall into my lap. Fuck that.

Things may fall into other peoples laps all the time, but not mine, I'm not lucky enough for that to happen. I used up all of my luck when I was little. I've gotten lucky with something only one time since I was little, and I managed to fuck that up badly.

So fuck relying on luck, fuck hoping situations will wind up working my way.
I'm going to try my hardest. I will do everything within my power to get accepted to a school I can go to. I'm going to get a degree in something that interests me. And if I can't do that, well then I'm still going to make myself into a damn intelligent person. I'm going to keep pushing myself as hard as I can physically too. I will be the best. I'm not going to sit back and hope things come to me, I'm going to take action. I'm going to be the greatest guy that ever lived and I'm going to do it without being a complete a-hole to people. I'm going to work hard, try and in the end I'm going to get the things I want in my life and the girl.

I don't know how much of this I'm saying because of the medication, but right now I feel determined to succeed and get what I want, and I hope it sticks this time.

I don't understand myself sometimes really.

I honestly have no interest in dating Shell right now. All I really want is for her to realize that I'm one of those people she described, that she sees me as one of those people that she says she can always trust and count on and who would never betray her.

Yet I get jealous. Why?

I know I get jealous when it comes to Angel and some other people too. I mean, with them it's a "damn i want to be the center of attention" kind of jealousy. With Shelley it just...feels more complicated than that.

I don't get it. How can I not want to date her right now and still get so jealous over the attention she's giving another guy? I don't think I'll figure that one out anytime soon.

All I know is I like talking to her a lot lately, so I'm going to keep doing it and hope she feels the same about talking to me. I'm glad my hearts not in my throat anymore when talking to her. Maybe it's because I stopped caring so much about saying the right thing or getting her back. Maybe it's because she's more like the old Shelley, without the frost that I've seen for the past however long. Who knows.

I know she's still struggling with trusting and opening up to me, but at least I feel like I've got someone I can open up to and complain to =P

Why is it so hard for people to respond and say something comforting or nice?
I mean I understand people are doing other things, and I'm not the center of their world, but when a friend comes to me in a bad mood or with a problem, I say something at least. If I'm busy at least I say something like "hey, I'm doing whatever right now, I'll talk to you about it later when I have more time okay? Just calm down, everything will work out".
Are the people I consider friends just that different from me that they wouldn't think to say something like that?


-sigh- But my reliance on other people is quite appaling to myself. I really shouldn't be so weak that I need to rely on others words and actions so much. It's so weak of me....I really shouldn't need anyone. Why do I keep coming back to people for comfort time after time? Sometimes I really hate being only human. I need to be better.

I feel sick

I feel sick, in more ways than one.

I woke up today and I just felt awful. I don't know where it came from, my head was hurting, my nose was stuffy, i had a fever. It sucked...still sucks. I don't get it. I'm not supposed to get sick. I don't get sick. I should be in perfect health? What the hell is going on?

To top that off I get home and get a rejection letter from PSU. Except of course, they didn't actually reject me "we're sorry but the school you applied to is not accepting transfers, reapply with a different major or get the fuck out". Great. There goes one of the schools I actually wanted to go to gone. And they took so long to respond too. Fuck.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. Right now the one school I got into I can't go to because certain things are more important than school. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'll apply to more schools. Maybe I should just move to the west coast or something. I don't know.

I'm really just tired of never getting second chances with anything. It's like, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much of a conscious effort I make, I can never make up for the past with anything. No one is ever willing to give me another chance with anything.

And it's because this frustrates me so much that I am so willing to give people a second chance. People deserve it if they're truly sorry or truly changed. People make mistakes, some worse than others, but if an effort is made to redeem themselves, then I don't see why they should be denied a second chance.

I really wish I had someone to talk to right now...everyones busy today it seems....
I wish someone could give me an answer, but I know they can't.

I am seriously thinking of just leaving. Going somewhere. Anywhere. The people around me don't need me, it's apparent. Even if they say they do, talk is cheap. And I'm not upset at them for it like people seem to think, I'm glad they don't need me.

I don't know where I'd go though. To be honest my ideal would be to go on a journey or an adventure, traveling from place to place, making myself better as I went, leaving everything behind, seeing new things.
It's so silly though, I can't do that, can I? I can't just leave everything....everyone? If I did that, I'd be giving up the other thing I want, wouldn't I?

I don't know. All I know is, it's complicated. Everything always is. And I'm bored with life.

And for the record, I could so be a monk regardless of what anyone thinks.

Emptyness

So I'm really starting to struggle with this feeling of nothing mattering again.
It's not even a feeling of being depressed like last year, it's just....I feel...bleh, how do I put it...
I'm not sure how to explain it other than saying emptyness. It's kind of like how I felt in highschool again. Just sort of existing. It's not very fun. Makes me not want to get out of bed some days 'cause I don't see a point (or maybe I'm just BSing and I'm just too tired...).

I still have my two goals in life. But they seem to be waning. I can't let that happen. Those two things are what I've been working so hard for, I can't let this void-like feeling get to me...I have to start seeing a light again....

Pretty damn cool...

DMX+Ghostbusters=Win

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5nXpTuQ2jA

FAT

Ugh....I feel so fat.
I know I"m not really fat, but I feel like it. Feel lethargic at the very least. It's been days since I've worked out because I was told not to 'cause of the shit with my head and spine, but daaaamn I feel like I'm losing time. I hate when I waste days....it just makes progression feel so slow. Missing one week puts me two weeks behind. Bleh.

Fuck it, I'm doing shit regardless of what I was told.

edit: I know I"m not really fat<-----quotes gg jesse

I'm bored and not doing my project so I'm starting one again. Deal with it.