Compatibility and Commitment

Relationships are a very very very very very very very very very very very complex thing.
Love itself in general is so complex that there are no real clear definitions of it, there are so many different kinds and each person has their own view on what love is to them.

The reason I'm posting about this is that someone argued the point with me that relationships weren't about being good enough for someone or anything like that, that relationships were simply about two things: Compatibility and commitment.

This is a valid argument on it's own I suppose, but it really doesn't capture the entirety of how relationships work, or why they work to me. Let's start out by looking at Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, shall we?

Okay, according to Sternberg there are three fundamental components of love: Intimacy , Commitment, and Passion.

Oh look at that! Imagine that! Commitment is one of them isn't it? But there doesn't seem to be a "Compatibility" part does there? Actually, technically speaking, there is...it's just broken down into the two other parts essentially being separated into the physical (passion) and the emotional (intimacy).

Now if you buy into this idea that love can be broken down so simply, this is clearly one of the best ways to do it. Looking at the figure, you can see that depending on what components of love a relationship has will result in a different "kind" of love. I don't really need to go into detail explaining these because they're pretty self explanatory from their names and characteristics.


So wait, aren't I trying to argue against the point that love and relationships can't be broken down that simply? Yeah I am, but in all fairness I thought it best to present both sides of the argument, you can make your own decision, I'm not trying to persuade anybody to follow my mindset.

Now to me, it's just not that simple. One of the most striking qualities of love is its delirious irrationality. We describe love as sickness, madness, or a fever. We call the person we love a goddess, a treasure, a person of unimaginable beauty and virtue. These irrational ideals are just
that, irrational ideals. So why do have them? Simply put, it feels good doesn't it?
To fall for someone that hard, it's just a nice feeling and in the end these irrational thoughts and
feelings could wind up enhancing commitment to someone you love.

The question then though becomes, can "true" love occur without it, without that passion and that high praise for that other person?
In my opinion, no it can't. Plainly stated, if that feelings not there, if that certain spark isn't there, a person is just settling for the relationship.

Now I'm not saying settling in a relationship is bad. There are many people who have settled and live happy lives. However, for myself I at least know I could never simply "settle", then again, that's my entire mindset for my whole life, I'm not content to settle in any aspect of my life. I want to get what I want to get and that's that.

Anyway, let's go to the point of commitment. Why do peoples commitments to one another wane? Why don't they continually stay faithful to one another or simply stay together with the first person they fall for indefinitely? To explain this, I present to you, the investment model of interpersonal relationships.

A persons commitment to a relationship depends on the rewards, alternatives available and investment. Rewards are anything specifically associated with a particular relationship that you would lose by leaving it. Alternatives are, obviously enough, any other possible relationships you could pursue by leaving the one you're currently in. Investment is simply the time, effort and money you've put into a relationship. These things are all very important to how committed someone is in a relationship, and thus in turn how satisfied they are with the relationship.

This, I feel is a pretty accurate description for the basics of why people don't stay committed.

This is all getting a bit complicated isn't it? Yeah, I thought so, I told you love and relationships were. Let's go into something a little less complicated about it then shall we? Why do people fall for each other in the first place in general?

Okay, first of all there's the obvious one, physical attraction. The most obvious thing, and upon which many short lived relationships are formed.While some people may say physical attraction isn't important, they're fooling themselves.You cannot have a long lasting relationship with someone you are not attracted to, it just doesn't work well and will result in problems.

Another reason people become attracted to one another is something many people don't think about too often, propinquity, or physical proximity. Simply put, you can't fall for someone if you never have contact with them. Being exposed to a person over and over is part of this even. When you hang out with someone relatively often, feelings are going to start growing in one way or another, it's the mere exposure effect.

The final major reason for attraction between two people is similarity. Yes the old saying does indeed go "opposites attract", but in actuality it's relatively rare. More often than not couples are founded on similarity rather than complimentarity. It's easy to see why this is; people like people similar to themselves. Similar others help validate our own beliefs and views, they also have qualities like ourselves, qualities we like. Also, relationships between similar people often have smoother interactions because they can relate, so it's easy to see why people are attracted to people who are like them.

As much research and studies that can possibly be done, I don't think there will ever be a true and complete understanding of love. It's just too huge of a subject to get all the inns and outs of. There are just too many intricacies and too many variables between people to say that love and relationships are clearly based on anything as simple as just saying "it's just about compatibility and commitment". It's not that simple, nor will it ever be that simple. That's my two cents at least.

So what does all this mean? What great message am I trying to get across about love, relationships and romance?

I have no freaking idea. I'm still as lost as anybody on this whole love thing, and woman still confuse the hell out of me. All, I know is, I follow my heart...my blood; which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain all of the time... so I make a lot of mistakes, and a lot of wrong bloody calls, hopefully one day it'll pay off though and lead me right.

There's one thing I'm sure of though on this topic after all the years of my life, and that is that love definitely does exist, because I still feel it.

And with that thought, I shall leave you with a quote....a rather pessimistic one, but I think it fits.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”